Inside The Mind Of The Single Dad

photo by author

$30? Really? To take two little girls to a children’s museum? Alright…whatever. I know their mother told them to ask me. They would’ve never thought of this on their own. Oh my God…look at all these little runny nose kids. I’m going to need gallons of Emergen-C after I leave here.

Why does it look like all these parents are fifteen years younger than me? Because they are, stupid. And everyone is so nicely paired up. You know what your problem is? You’re looking at each of these guys with envy because you are imagining that each one of them is having great sex with their prospective partners three times a week and living the good life. Think about how many people used to look at you and think the same thing. You’re just torturing yourself. Do you have any idea how many of these guys are completely miserable? How many are Facebook flirting with the girl from their Biology class from ten years ago who just got divorced? Be realistic. And why is everyone picking their nose? Jesus. This place is ripe for a new Plague.

What is this world being reduced to? An endless array of nerds with bad tattoos. And that’s another thing. You could go for miles and not run into a single Bobby, Jimmy or Johnny anywhere. Those names are just too common. Nobody wants a common child. They want an Asher, a Matteo, or a Reagan. That’s a great name for a little girl. What does that connote to this generation? I’ll tell you what I think of. A dried-up old prune of a douche who set the wheels in motion for the greatest wealth disparity in this country since the Great Depression. THAT is exactly what I want people to think of when they see MY little girl.

Why is that lady looking at me so superciliously? Listen lady, they wanted snacks and I bought them snacks. I don’t know about you, but I choose my battles carefully. I’m not going to expend the energy that it would take to tell them they can’t have cheese popcorn and water. I’m going to need it when I have to politely tell them it’s time to go. We’ve been here — what — three hours already. I feel like I got my $30 worth. They’re never going to want to leave. I’ll have to bribe them. I do have chocolate doughnuts at home. That oughta do it.

She’s pretty hot, I wonder if she’s married. I don’t see a ring. Are you brain damaged? Why are you looking at women like you’re in a candy store trying to decide between a licorice stick and a box of Milk Duds? These are people. People with hopes and dreams and…issues. You can do yourself a huge favor by focusing less on their butts on a lot more on their issues. Nice butts go away naturally due entirely to time and gravity. Issues take a lot of dedication and work to go away. People don’t like to work that hard. So, all your left with are issues.

Is it time to go, yet?

Inside The Mind Of The Single Dad was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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