I am beginning to have faith in the fact that the universe is in our corner much of the time, whether we like it or not. I have spent the last fourteen months so incredibly focused on landing my first book deal, that any other pursuit I have had the temerity to try to introduce into the picture has gone south — romance being the most glaring victim. It hasn’t been for lack of trying, either.
I have not had any success shaking off the biological imperative of wanting to mate with the opposite sex. I had a life coach all year, so I can say with certainty that I never went off-track. Long term goals and short-term goals were set and accomplished efficiently and with aplomb; but I never once stopped trying to date and/or fall in love. Needless to say, nothing got off the ground in that area.
I have had the unprecedented good fortune of finally experiencing the realization of my lifelong dream — I will have a book on the shelves by this coming Fall. I am a writer who prides myself on my ability to describe emotions and feelings, but I would feel like a fraud trying to explain what it felt like when I was made aware of this last week. If you’d like to try to understand, go back to your most outlandish childhood dreams and then imagine you just found out they’re coming true. It borders on surreal.
As anyone who understands the world of non-fiction publishing knows, whatever work I have done in the last year will pale in comparison to what lies before me from now until my rapidly approaching deadline. I had a proposal and now I need to turn that proposal into an actual book. In social media parlance, shit’s about to get real.
The very last thing I should be doing at this point is allowing myself to get side-tracked by falling in love, but I simply do not know how one would go about shutting that off. I’m sure other people are better at it than I am. I often wonder if that is the last vestige of my addictive nature. I was able to put down alcohol and illicit substances and cigarettes — but how would one go about shutting off the need for excitement and titillation?
It came to me in a flash as I opened my eyes this morning. The necessity I felt for getting myself clear of all those other pitfalls was in direct line with the tragedy of how unmanageable they made my life. The ultimate test of how dangerous a thing is, can be determined by how much it endangers your overall quality of life. If you’re spending your rent money on coke, you’re in trouble. If you oversleep and miss work because you were partying on a Wednesday night — you can consider yourself screwed.
The fact that I spent $50 here and $50 there on dating sites that resulted in an endless array of awkward situations, and time spent with people I had no business being with is not really that big a deal in the scheme of things. In an indirect way, it probably helped more than it hindered. Every bad date became an article and every article taught me to write better and increased my readership. It was a win/win. A win/win/win if you consider the fact that I have no intimate ties to speak of as I begin the Herculean task of turning a proposal into what I hope will be a best-selling book.
A few months back, I was convinced that the universe kept trying to tell me that this was my time to be single and I should really stop trying to fight against it; but I’m beginning to come around to a greater understanding of what it all means. I’m making clearer distinctions now. The minor dalliances that I continue to go in and out of keep that dream machine in my head rolling along at full speed. I adore the time I spend staring out the windshield at work, dreaming of long walks on sandy beaches holding hands with a woman that I am completely enraptured by and obsessed with. I am an incredibly romantic person and I’m not even a little ashamed about it.
Great creative work, like priceless diamonds, usually comes at the expense of time and intense pressure — and a significant amount of the pressure I feel is borne from my need for love and connection. In other words, this is all just a part of my process. Should the right woman come along, I’m totally down with altering that process.
At this stage in the game, though, I am waiting for an affectionate, intelligent, great conversationalist with goals and dreams. Anything less than that would just land me right back to where I am now. You don’t need to hit me in the head with a brick. Fifteen or sixteen failed relationships is all it took me to know what I needed. Like I said, the universe is in my corner.